Comedic Personae
Joxer, the Mighty Jett, King of Assassins, Joxer's identical twin Xena, Warrior Princess Gabrielle, Bard of Poteidaia Padmon, scholar and educator Meg, barmaid and Xena lookalike Leah, virgin priestess of Hestia, Xena lookalike Arbus, revered judge Gryphian, attorney for the prosecution Jace, sibling of Joxer and Jett Jolanthus, father of Joxer and Jett, warlord Dirce, attorney for the defense Iolaus, companion of Hercules Anamelos, high priest of the Hestian order Argo, Xena's horse Townspeople, Students, Jury Members, Hestians, Meg's Girls, Soldiers, Wardens, Bailiffs
Disclaimer: Padmon was given a new course in education, courtesy of Meg, during the course of the story. Rating: PG-13 for innuendo and discretionary situations. References: "King of Assassins," "The Execution," "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp," "A Comedy of Eros," "Warrior...Princess...Tramp" Inspirations: One of my favorite films, "Dave," and David Hyde Pierce's remarkable work as Dr. Niles Crane in "Frasier." No copyright infringement is intended in the writing of this fanfic. Xena, Joxer, Gabrielle, Meg, Leah, Argo et al are the property of Renaissance Pictures. If you want to use this fanfic on your page, due credit must be issued. Yada, yada, yada...just enjoy!
"Second Stringer"
Part 4
by Filippa Morgan Flasheart
flasheart@hotmail.com
Copyright 1999
Dawn had come to Thessaly, and already the promise of another warm, humid day was in the air. Along with the oppressive heat came the news of Anamelos' death.
The Hestian's body had been discovered when the first classes came to the academy, and promptly pandemonium had overtaken the school. No lessons were scheduled that day, and Padmon was conspicuously absent.
"Oh, gweat goddess, pwease wemember him as a loyal sewvant of youw divine wisdom," sobbed Priestess Leah, unable to delete the image of the bloodied body from her mind. Anamelos had been at the academy but a brief time after Balius' attempted coup, but she had grown strangely attached to the grandfatherly headmaster. Standing by her side, Gryphian, the elegant attorney, shook his head and tried to comfort the grieving priestess.
"There, there, Priestess, fear not. It will be my personal duty to bring his murderer to justice.
Leah blew her nose loudly. "Who could have done such a tewible thing? Evewyone loved him so much."
"I suspect it was either an enemy of the Hestians, or else someone after Anamelos' position. He was scheduled to leave not too long from now," Gryphian said, concentrating on the red stain where the corpse had stained the immaculate marble floor. "Priestess, have you seen any of the tutors this morning? They must be brought in for questioning."
"I think they all went home, Gwyphian." She continued to cry softly.
"I need to interview all of them. If someone was here last night, they might be able to help. There were no witnesses, to the best of my knowledge."
"Considew it done. We will find the muwderer if it is Hestia's will."
Padmon lay on Gabrielle's bed, lips in an odd smile just as Joxer did while dreaming pleasant thoughts. The bard herself, unable to sleep after the tumultuos night, had given up on trying to keep herself awake waiting for Xena's return. She hoped her friend was all right. Even after all their travels together, Gabrielle still worried for Xena's safety on occasion. When Lila wasn't around, she had to play big sister to somebody, even the Warrior Princess. Padmon had kept her busy enough, even as he insisted upon reading some of the scrolls around. Gabrielle didn't think she could ever quite forgive him for criticizing the meter of the Song of Gabrielle, nor understand why he would find the story of Joxer's spell-enhanced heroism so intriguing. The more she had talked to him, the more she was convinced that he might really be the enigmatic Jace in disguise.
Gabrielle's thoughts were interrupted as Xena swung lightly into the room through the open window, followed closely by a hooded figure whose face neither could see.
"Don't you ever use a door?" Gabrielle asked nervously, worried that Padmon or Joxer might wake up.
Xena gave her a brief smile. "Would have, but it's not really the best option right now. I guess you took care of him all right while I was gone," she said, pointing to the dozing scholar.
"He's an interesting guy, sure enough, but he can be kind of stuck-up." Gabrielle chuckled. "Who is this? Autolycus?"
"Not quite." On cue, Jett removed his disguise, and the blonde gasped nervously. "Don't worry, he's with me."
Gabrielle had to force herself not to grab her Amazon staff in defense. Instead, she greeted Joxer's twin with all the civility she could muster.
"I'm only being nice since Xena is here, Jett."
He winced, obviously stung. "Good to see you too. I'm actually here to help you for a change, Gabrielle."
"Let's get straight to work. Jett, your brother is in the next room, and I'm going to need your help. Oh, and this is Padmon." Xena indicated the snoozing Hestian, and even Jett seemed surprised at the resemblance. "If I know the kind of investigators around here, they're going to think he did it. Either that, or you, assassin."
"I already told you..."
Xena circled him, as if she thought he might try to escape yet again. "Yeah, you did, but I have every reason not to believe you. You murder people to earn a living," she pointed out.
"And I don't exactly think Padmon here is the type."
Gabrielle nodded. "Xena's right. I talked to this guy half the night trying to stay awake, and believe me, he's a pacifist if I ever saw one."
"So what's your plan?"
"If you want your freedom, you're going to do exactly as I say. But before we do anything, I have to visit an old friend."
"Not again!" protested the bard, clearly angered at being left behind yet again. "Don't tell me you're going down to Meg's?"
The warrior smirked, just as she paused at the windowsill once more. "Wrong choice, but close enough. I'm going to the temple to talk to Leah." With that, Xena was gone, backflipping into the alley three stories below.
"Thanks for letting me babysit the Wonder Twins!" shouted Gabrielle, immediately regretting it when she saw Jett's cold smile. The bard kept her grip tight on her trusted staff.
"Don't try anything with me, Jett. I had a long night, and if you even touch me..."
"Yeah, yeah, I know, Xena will beat me to a pulp. But I'm part of her plan, and you know it." Much as she hated to admit it, he was right. Finally the two sat down, an unspoken truce between them. After a long, awkward silence, Gabrielle tried to start a conversation.
"I didn't think you were capable of doing something like this. Why exactly are you helping us?"
He shifted slightly, pondering the question. "Same thing I told Xena. You know I have a soft spot for my brother, and I came to help him. Not that I had much else to do, anyway,"
admitted Jett, obviously embarrassed.
Gabrielle was intrigued. "Why? Xena heard there was going to be an assassination, but Joxer?"
"Not Joxer...that Hestian, Padmon. Even before I made it up here, I'd heard about this guy. Not that he's at all bad-looking." Jett cleared his throat and continued. "Your guess is as good as mine why he'd be the target. And don't even start with thinking it was me, since I don't think I could bring myself to kill somebody who looked just like me."
"Did you hear about Balius' coup attempt when you were in prison?" asked Gabrielle.
He shook his head.
"A Delian priest tried to overthrow the Hestian order from within, using the High Priestess, Leah, who just happens to look like Xena, and even Meg. We managed to stop him, but there's been all sorts of rumors about another traitor on the inside."
Jett seemed intrigued, and leaned closer to the bard. "Common practice, really. So what's your theory on this murder?"
"I don't know, except..." She trailed off. "You don't think Padmon did it, do you? Xena and I interrogated him, and he really seemed to scared to be any kind of cold-blooded killer."
"You'd be surprised at how many people don't think of me as an assassin. Looks can be very deceiving, you know." He had drawn his dagger, and was beginning to play with its keen edge.
The girl from Poteidaia narrowed her eyes. He had a very good point. "But what about..."
"Where in Tartarus..." The voice cut her off. It was Padmon's voice, slurred, but definitely alert. He had woken up on her bed while they had been talking.
"Hide!" hissed Gabrielle, waving her arms in the air. In his confusion, Jett wheeled about, sprang delicately over her fallen staff, and sprinted into the tiny closet. Padmon, blissfully unaware of the situation, rubbed his eyes and gave a goofy smile.
"Oh, I had the most pleasant dream. It was..." He saw Gabrielle before him, and she smiled nervously, trying to distract him. He grinned back.
"Good morning, Gabrielle. Whomever were you talking to?"
"Um....I was talking to myself. You know, we all do. Since Xena isn't very talkative, it's a nasty habit I seem to have picked up," she said, tittering nervously.
"I heard you say 'Jett.' Do you have an imaginary friend, pray tell?" He yawned loudly.
"I said, 'I bet.' That's what you heard."
"Oh." Padmon stood up, squinting in the bright light. "Where do you suppose Xena has run off to? She seemed quite concerned about the murder, and..." Suddenly he realized what had happened the night before, and began to panic once again. "I can't stay here! They'll come looking for me, and...oh, sweet Athena!" Padmon wept crazily as he turned in circles.
"Settle down!" ordered Gabrielle, her tone almost as commanding as Xena's. "Xena left you here with me so you'd be safe. As long as you don't get hysterical on me, everything is going to be fine. Xena left to try to find the killer, and she'll be back soon. In the meantime, you have to do what I say. I've been around Xena long enough to where I can think like her."
He frowned, pulling on his sandals. "That's not exactly a comforting thought, you know.
If half the things I've heard about this Warrior Princess of yours are true..."
"Listen!" whispered Gabrielle quickly, holding up a hand as if to hear better. "Don't make a sound! Did you hear that?"
Padmon shook his head no.
"Footsteps, down below! Quite a few. And they're pretty rushed, and quick."
"Who could it be?"
As if in answer to his question, the bootsteps drew nearer, becoming muffled thuds on the narrow staircase leading to the rooms. Gabrielle gulped. If they were who she thought they were...
Hushed voices outside could be heard.
"Innkeeper said they were in the eighth room, down on the end."
"You don't suppose Xena is here? 'Cause if she is, we're in trouble."
"Shut up! Let's get 'im and get outta here."
Her heart sank. They were in the eighth room, and Joxer in the seventh. Frantically she tried to think of what Xena might do in this situation. Then, a crazy idea came to her...just crazy enough to work.
"Padmon, I need you to do something for me." She rushed to the bed, flinging the old blanket off and twisting it into a long coil. "You ever rappelled before?"
"I should think not. I am a scholar, not a barbarian." He stiffened and folded his arms.
"First time for everything," grinned Gabrielle, shoving him towards the window. "I know it's a long way down, but as long as you don't look, you'll be fine."
His voice had become a high-pitched squeak of fear. "By the gods! I'll be killed!"
"You'll be killed if you stay here! There's a lynch mob in that hall!" snapped Gabrielle, knotting the makeshift rope around the table nearest the window. "Hold on tight, and I'll be down as soon as I can." With that, she halfway lifted the Hestian out the window. His face was completely white with terror as he clung to the rope.
"Help me!" Padmon cried, his legs churning uselessly.
"And don't say anything!" Gabrielle finished, pulling the threadbare curtain over the open window. She dashed to the closet and, as she opened the door, found absolutely nothing. Jett was gone.
"Jett!" she said as loudly as she dared. The men outside were getting closer. The small space was not big enough for four men, and the assassin had clearly escaped. But how? It was of no concern to her at the moment. She had to make a split-second decision whether to grab her staff and fight, or play dumb and hope the soldiers weren't onto her game.
She chose the latter and tried to look casual as she took a seat on the bed.
The knock came suddenly and sharply, and before Gabrielle could blink, it crashed to the floor, hinges destroyed. Three burly Thessalian soldiers entered, well-armored and equipped with short swords. Their leader, his armor bearing the insignia of a captain, bowed slightly.
"Sorry to barge in on you, miss, but have you seen a gentleman who looks like this?"
One of the lieutenants unfurled a scroll, which bore a fairly good likeness of Padmon...and Joxer, and Jett, she thought...from three perspectives.
Gabrielle tucked a strand of hair behind one ear and tried to smile. "Sorry, I haven't.
Why are you looking for him?" Rather than a nonchalant remark, it came out as a guilty query.
"He's the primary suspect in a murder that took place last night. Very, very dangerous,"
answered the captain, his voice courteous and almost pleasant.
"Well, I hope you find him. Xena is out looking for him, too."
"Xena?" asked the soldier, clearly taken by surprise. "But I thought..."
"You thought wrong. She's just as interested in honor and justice as you are, and I happen to be her friend. Now could you please leave? I need my privacy," said Gabrielle, shooing the men off as if they were ducklings.
"If you haven't seen the guy, than who is this?" Gabrielle's eyes widened as the other soldier pulled Joxer before her, still hung over and clearly terrified.
"Gabby? Yow!" he screamed as the leathery hand tightened around his neck. "Tell these guys I have no idea what they're talking about! I'm innocent!" The only response was a knee to his ribs.
"So, he knows you by name? Very clever, what I might expect from a friend of the Warrior Princess," smirked the captain. "Helping a fugitive is a serious crime, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you along with him."
She tried to reach for the staff, but she had left it against the bed. As she struggled in vain, the first lieutenant pinned her slender arms behind her back.
"Take them to the holding cells. I'm not letting them out until we get to the bottom of this."
As the guards marched downstairs, prisoners held tightly, Joxer and Gabrielle wailed plaintively a single word in unison.
"XENA!!!"
To be Continued...