Disclaimers: Yeah Big Brother claims to own them.

Reading this pathetic attempt to make you laugh might be hazardous to your health. I'm not saying that it's funny, but if you yawn too hard you might pull some muscles. There's some subtext around here somewhere. I don't have my glasses on, so someone might have to spot it for me. Err...spoilers for "AITST I and II" also and lots of irreverent dialogue ahead!! Thar she blows, Captain!!

Basically, don't be surprised at what you read. That's the only real warning I'm going to give you. This is short, but I'm really obnoxious in it. *G*

The Rift XIV

(The Wineskin War)

by Silk

copyright 1998

The 27th season premiere of Xena: Warrior Princess.

Yet another Rift threatens to tear our two heroines apart -

"Hey bard, pass the wineskin."

"Hey warrior, get it yourself."


"What was that? I didn't quite hear you."

"I said, it ain't gonna kill you to throw the blasted thing over to me."

"Hmmph...perhaps, but what if I just don't want to?"


"You're getting old, Xena, speak up."

"Yeah well, the first sign of old age is being hard of hearing."

"Actually, Ms. I-Have-Many-Kills...I mean Skills-But-I-Can-Only-Remember-Ten-Winters-Back, the first sign of old age is senility. Is that a new word for you? Want me to spell it?"

"Well, Ms. I'm-A-Bard-So-That-Means-I-Know-Every-Useless-Thing-Under-The-Sun, just pass the stupid wineskin."

"You got two legs, get your lazy ass, ex-warlord butt up off the couch and fetch it yourself. I'm not your slave."


"What was that?"

"I said, 'If you were, I'd at least be able to trade you in for a newer, less mouthy, model.'"

"As if you were a great catch. You've got more wrinkles than a 10 year old apple, your chin has more hair growing from it than what's on top of your head, and you snore loud enough to wake the dead."

"At least the dead are more fun to hang around. Do you know how disgusting it is to hear that nasty coughing/snorting thing you do? And where did you grow up? On a farm? Haven't you heard that it's bad manners to spit that gunk on the floor inside the house? Oh wait, you did live on a farm. My apologies."

"Hey! At least I didn't grow up in an inn where you played 'Hide the carrot' with every Tomus and Dickus in the village."

"Oh? And I'm supposed to not remember those times when you asked if I could put on a sheepskin because you're homesick?"

"That's a low blow, Xena."

"You should know. Speaking of raising the dead, since when did my name change?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Last night, when you were writhing in the throes of passion, you called me, Perdicus."



"Well, what?? At least I don't go around talking about the 'good ole days' with Borias all the time. Do you know how many times I've heard that stupid 'Bear Dance' story?"

"It was a sweet, memorable time in my life."

"Give me a break. You were a bloodthirsty warmonger and a nymphomaniac. Borias. Alti's little present. I even bet you did more than just look at Cyane. And let's not forget Alti herself, warts and all."


"Admit it."

"Well, ok. Once, but I was just curious."

"That's what you said about Kaliepus too. Really, Xena, how can I expect to live up to that?"

"Well if you'd just sit outside in the snow overnight we could solve that problem."

"Are you threatening me? You better not be threatening me."

"And if I was? What are you going to do about it? Try and knock me out with your staff? Oh wait, that's right, I whittled that down into a more useful tool. Now where did I put that toothpick?"

"Just you wait, Warrior Geriatric Princess. When my Amazons come by for a visit, I'll get them to kick your bony butt back to Athens. I'm sure they still have a warrant out on you."

"And you call me senile, or are you still denying you got that letter? It's been years."

"I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Really? I just so happen to have it right here. Let me refresh your, obviously, deteriorating mind. 'Dear Gabrielle. Hope this letter finds you well. The Amazons and I have discussed things and we've decided that we'd rather take the chance Artemis will get pissed at us and blow us up, than be jinxed anymore. No offense, but we'd rather not have you even visit. Melosa. Velaska. Callisto. Hope. Solan. Locusts. Ten years of drought. Plus, a whole bunch of other stuff, including dire predictions and omens if you come back. Eponin thinks even the crabs that have been going around might be your fault, but I'm not quite positive about that one. We Amazons just can't take it anymore. If you don't leave us alone, we won't have a choice but to fall on our swords. I mean really Gabrielle, I've had this damned fungal disease since the day we first meet, I should have taken it as a sign. Your Friend, Ephiny'"

"She's just mad because I got to cope a feel on Torreis and she was just too chicken at the time."

"Either that or you found out you had the hots for Phantes."

*Gasp* "How did you...I mean...err..."

"Please, remember who you're talking to here. I know you better than you know yourself."

"Well that memory will have to satisfy you then, because I think you're going to be sleeping on the couchfor a long time."

"Come on, Gabrielle. I was just joking."

"Nope. I'm sick to death of...well, everything. Every year you bring up Solan's death and blame me for every little thing Hope did. And then there's Perdicus...you just can't quit being obsessed about that. It's not like we were married for a year, or even a week. One day, Xena. One day and you're own personal, stalking fan decided to ruin it. I wouldn't be surprised if you'd been in on it. In fact, you two were rather cozy...in a ritualistic suicide kind of way. Did you let her suck on her toes too?"

"Callisto? Me? I think not. I mean sure. I gave her an autograph or two, killed her a couple of times and dumped some rocks on her head, but I had standards. I don't just let any village peasant girl follow me around wherever I go, you know."


"Yep. You're the only one. I mean, we did have a moment or two, heavy breathing, meaningful looks, snappy repartee, but I never hopped into the ole bedroll with her."

"Ahh...you say the nicest things. Here's your silly wineskin."



"I love you, Gabrielle."

"I love you too, Perdicus."


"Just seeing if you were paying attention."

The End

(or is it? Don't tempt me)


*G* No rotten tomatoes, please!! I wrote this at 3 am, what did you expect?

Yep, I'm weird. I was just sitting in bed and the weirdest thing came into my head. What would happen if LL and ROC decided to continue beyond the 6th season? Would the writers begin to reuse old storylines? If so, which ones? The Rift? Hmm...scary thought isn't it?




"Bard? Where? I'm wearing a little white coat with long sleeves that are strapped around my waist, so do I look like a bard to you?"



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