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Disclaimers: Standard disclaimers apply. MCA/Universal are getting rich. I’m just having fun.

While I do have a pretty good idea how things work on a production set. I claim absolutely no working knowledge of how things are actually done on the set of XWP, therefor everything stated here is pure assumption and logical thinking.

Ever wonder what it might be like if Xena and Gabrielle were really teaching Lucy and Renee how to be Xena and Gabrielle?

This is part five in The Truth...series and MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR 5TH SEASON XWP.

The Truth and Nothing But The Truth…

Part 5

By T.Novan


"All right! How you gonna do me in this season?" Renee grinned as she walked into the room.

"Now Re…" Rob Tapert rolled his eyes when his wife’s short, blonde costar bounced into the room.

"It won’t be pretty." Xena whispered to Gabrielle as they sat in a corner thumbing through the new pile of scripts they had just received.

Gabrielle nodded in agreement sipping her juice.

"Nope, nope," Renee held up her hands to stall his protests. "It’s okay," She grinned. "I understand," Her voice took on a martyred tone. "Gabrielle, lamb to slaughter. Gabrielle, the disposable sidekick…"

Xena yelled from across the room. "Gabrielle! Sidekick Weeble…."

Gabrielle snorted, nearly forcing her juice out her nose, then she added. "Gabrielle, Duracell battery of sidekicks! She just keeps going and going and going…"

Rob threw his hands up in the air. "I can’t win with you people!" He grinned, shoved a pile of scripts into Renee’s hand and gave her a friendly kiss on the temple. "It’s not that bad I swear. I’ll see you later."

With that the Executive Producer made a hasty exit. Renee grabbed a bottle of water from a large bucket of ice and made her way across the room to her friends.

"Mind if I sit?" She grinned, uncapping her bottle and tossing the scripts to the pile.

"I dunno," The tall woman eyed the blonde warily and held up the script she was going through. "Could be hazardous to our health."

"Aww very funny." Renee cuffed Xena on the shoulder then took a seat. "So how bad is it?"

"Looks like they’re bringing Hope back." Gabrielle offered taking a bite of a sandwich she had managed to snag from the lunch table before the crew had descended and eaten almost everything in sight.

Renee’s head hit the table with a thump and she groaned. "Oh God no! Does no one stay dead on this show?"

"You’d better be glad they don’t." Xena grinned. "Your contract would have been up years ago."

Renee sat up, reaching for one of the scripts. "True." She took a moment to flip through the script. "Encased in ice! What in the hell are they thinking?"

"Yeah, if the subtext fans though Gabrielle and Xena were being cold to each other before, wait until they get a load of this."

Gabrielle giggled. "Gives a whole new meaning to the word frigid."

Xena nearly fell off her chair laughing. It was only the quick reflexes of her wife and her friend that kept her from doing so as they both grabbed her and pulled her back before each of then smacked her hard on opposite shoulders.

"It’s not funny!" Renee growled a bit. "I know a lot of those folks feel betrayed and I’m not wild about that."

"It didn’t help the subtext when Steve left. No matter how bad Rob might want to do it, as Executive Producer he has to protect the show first and foremost for the people who spend the dollars on the advertising." Xena offered, reaching for the next script.

"I know, I’ve heard all the excuses. I just feel bad and Lucy does too. We’re trying to come up with something for the last season to help."

Gabrielle laughed. "I’m sorry Re." She gave her friend a sympathetic smile. "It’s just that I’ve been playing around on the Internet and I’ve come to the conclusion that they could show you guys rolling around like weasels and at this point the subtexters would bitch about Xena’s technique or the fact Gabrielle gets on top too much."

Renee groaned again. "We really screwed up."

"You didn’t do anything. The writer’s did. You did your job." Xena shrugged.

Lucy came into the room, little Julius hung happily onto his Momma, until they got closer to the table and he saw Xena. Then they little guy started his standard bounce and gurgle until Lucy handed him over to the tall weapons expert. "He likes you more than he likes me." She laughed, passing her son over to the warrior.

"Nah," Xena accepted the baby, lifting him into the air and grinning up at him. "You’re his food source. I’m just a toy."

"You’re his favorite toy. I’m gonna have to hire you to come play with him after the series is finished." She looked at the pile of scripts then to Renee. She’s scratched her neck sheepishly and grinned. "You get through these yet?"

"Nooooo. Something you want to tell me there, mate?" Renee eyed her friend suspiciously.

"Who me? Ruin a perfectly good surprise. No way!"

"Coward." Gabrielle chuckled, reaching out for Julius, who was happily tugging on Xena’s ear. "I will admit, I don’t remember dying this many times."

"Well," Xena lifted Julius’ shirt, blowing bubbles on his stomach before finishing her thought. "We weren’t going for ratings or you would have."

"Hey! I’ve got an idea." Lucy piped up. "We’ll just put you two in our costumes and set up a camera in your bedroom."

Xena grinned. "No thanks, we have our own."

Gabrielle blushed from the top of her head to the bottoms of her feet. "You are so lucky you have the baby."

"Heh, heh yeah I know," Xena wiggled her eyebrows. "That’s the only reason I said it. I know you won’t hurt me as long as I have him." She gave Julius a finger to chew on. "He’s my little bodyguard."

"You can’t hold onto him forever." The bard growled.

"Wanna bet."

"All right," Lucy held her hands out for her son. "He’s not armor. You got yourself into this." She retrieved her son. "You get yourself out." The baby happily went back to his Momma. "She was gonna use you as a shield Bubba. Why do you like her so much?"

Julius just smiled down at the tall woman and blew bubbles out his little mouth as she waved at him.

Xena had forgotten about the fuming bard on her left until she felt the slap to the back of her head. "Hey!"

"I warned ya!" The bard growled.

"Oooo," Renee grinned a bit as she thumbed through a script. "Looks like I get blown to kingdom come this time. No unexplained falls into lava pits."

Xena chuckled. "You’ve moved up in the world."

"Yeah, but it doesn’t compare to being nailed to a Roman cross." The actor grinned, crinkling the script a bit.

"Yeah true." Xena’s voice turned lecherous and she gave the blonde actor a truly evil smile. "Nothing like a good nailing."

Renee laughed, blushed and dropped her head into her hand, "Oh God."

"Behave!" Gabrielle gave her wife another smack. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Anything you like sweetheart. You know my philosophy." The weapons expert stood up, gathering up her own scripts. "Bondage is good. Pain is bad. Bring it on there, Shorty." She turned on her heals and left the building.

"Umm guys," Gabrielle watched her spouse head out the door and hastily scooped up her scripts. "I hate to be rude but…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Renee waved her off. "Go have fun. We’ll see you later."

"Much later." Lucy chuckled as Gabrielle dashed out the door.


TBC? You never know.

Continued - Part 6


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