Xena and the Dancing Herb
Feedback will be appreciated but be gentle this is my first story.
Disclaimers: Xena, Gabrielle, Varia, Cyane, and any other character from the series Xena, Warrior Princess, belong to some one else. I don’t know whom but neither does any one else but I am positive I don’t own them. I have just barrowed them for the time being. I am also absolutely sure there will be no profit earned from this story.
Fan Fiction Disclaimer: I have read a lot of Xena fan fiction in my time and there are bound to be apparent influences and recurring themes from those stories in this one. Please don’t be offended. Think of it as a kind of warped homage to the writers who keep Xena and Gabrielle alive for us. They have my sincere gratitude and deep respect.
I would like to thank by two Beta readers: IfeRae who gave me great editorial advice and wrote the synopsis below and XWPacolyte who did the tedious job of finding my misspellings, errant punctuation, and missing quotation marks and also stroked my ego while doing all this. They are two great friends.
Also DJWP has issued a challenge to fan fic writers. Take up you keyboards and write more classic Xena fan fiction. It is becoming a rare commodity and if you don’t I’ll have to write more stories and you may not want that to happen.
Silly story warning: Speaks for itself.
Aphrodite helps Xena give Gabrielle a birthday gift that extends beyond the warrior's usual many skills and provokes uproar among the Amazons.
Warning: This is a "mature" story, with adult humor, sexual situations, and references certain body parts. It is also alt.
Now on with the story…
It had been over a year since Xena and Gabrielle returned from Egypt. The couple was exhausted after their epic battle with the forces of evil in that desert country. Xena especially had to have time to recover from her death and then resurrection at the hands of the Egyptian gods. So the couple decided to return to the Amazons to settle down until they decided what to do next. Most of the tribe under Cyane’s leadership was happy about the pair’s return. Varia, however, was less than enthusiastic for some unknown reason but she had another mood swing and was now once again disenchanted with Xena and Gabrielle. Not many Amazons paid attention to the disgraced queen and Xena and Gabrielle settled down in the village. Gabrielle became a valued adviser and tribal historian. Xena took over security for the nation and trained many of the young Amazons to be vigilant security guards for the nation’s boarders.
The couple valued their time with the Amazons. Gabrielle was always happy to be surrounded by people but surprisingly Xena too seemed to enjoy village life. When Gabrielle asked her about this, the warrior would just shrug and say it was very lonely in her pot and she now appreciated people more. Xena, however, was always very careful to say the person she enjoyed most was Gabrielle thus making Gabrielle very happy and ensuring Xena’s domestic harmony.
It was now the time for Gabrielle’s birthday and the village planned a big party. The Amazons always loved big parties and the bard’s birthday gave them an excuse for a real orgy. As the party plans progressed, Xena made plans for her present for the bard. She of many skills used a lot of them for her partner’s birthday. She constructed a clever writing desk for the bard, which could be folded up into a small table that just fit into their hut but then could be expanded into a large writing surface with plenty of space for quills and inkpots. She was very proud of her work and the desk was beautifully carved. She couldn’t wait to give it to Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, however, was less than enthusiastic about her approaching birthday. She tried to hide her slight depression but she was very aware of the passing time. In her role as tribal historian she often told stories to the Amazon children and her exposure to them led her to wish that she and Xena could have a child. Gabrielle, of course, was very aware that she and Xena were very hard on children and there was a tendency for their children to be evil or even dead. Nonetheless Gabrielle, ever the optimist, felt that she and Xena could raise perfectly normal happy children if gods and demons just didn’t interfere. Gabrielle’s main problem was how to begat her children. She didn’t want to follow the Amazon custom of slugging some unsuspecting guy and dragging him behind a bush for a quickie. No, she loved Xena too much for that option and besides, the quickie business reminded her too much of Perdicus. So she decided adoption was the answer and she planned on bringing up the subject with her partner after the birthday party.
The bard’s birthday celebration turned out to be one the biggest events of that year. Three boars were roasted and eighteen barrels of ale were tapped. Gabrielle received many presents among them were: three sets of chobos, two staffs, two pairs of sheaths for her sais, six necklaces, a bottle of perfume, and a punching bag from Varia. She also received a strange looking long cylinder that fit into a leather harness that caused Xena to blush and which the warrior hastily hid under the table. Xena then excused herself and dragged a certain smirking group of Amazons out of the hall. Those Amazons were strangely missing for the rest of the evening.
Gabrielle, curious about the missing Amazons, didn’t have time to question Xena about them because Xena suddenly called for silence. The bold warrior now shyly gave Gabrielle her present. The bard was enchanted with the desk and touched by Xena’s thoughtfulness and hard work. She was so happy that she burst into tears. Xena, of course, was nonplussed at this as she always was when Gabby cried for no apparent reason but when the bard reassured her that she loved the desk and her tears were those of happiness, Xena beamed with pride and happiness. To be frank Xena despite all her heroic deeds seldom felt proud of herself but when she made her wife happy she truly felt like a hero.
That evening the birthday party was great success. About midnight, Gabrielle and Xena excused themselves. They knew the younger Amazons were anxious to turn the party into a drunken brawl and the presence of their legendary queen and her commanding consort would dampen the young people’s spirits. So Xena carefully picked up the desk and Gabrielle gathered her presents and bid the revealers good night. The rest of the ruling council left too leaving the young people to their debauchery.
Xena and Gabrielle returned home with Xena carrying the little desk and Gabrielle loaded down by her many presents. Gabrielle immediately started to rearrange the furniture to accommodate the desk. Since the cabin wasn’t that big it didn’t take long for the desk to find its proper resting place. Gabrielle was thrilled with the desk and lovingly stroked the smooth wood.
“Xena I can’t wait to start writing on it.”
Xena beamed with pride. She then asked, “What are you going to do with all those necklaces and chobos?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to insult anyone so I guess I’ll wear a different necklace everyday and find three people I don’t like to beat up with the chobos. Maybe I’ll start with Varia,” Gabrielle said with an evil grin.
“Hmm, I didn’t think the punching bag made much of an impression with you,” Xena said with a grin.
“Oh it made an impression with alright. Gods Varia is such . . . such a…” Gabrielle stammered
“Brat, jerk, bitch?” Xena supplied.
Gabrielle laughed; her good humor restored. “Yeah something like that. By the way, talk about presents making bad impressions, what was up with you and the strap on? Xena, you turned every shade of red there is.”
Xena sniffed. “It was an inappropriate for some one to give you something like that. You’re a queen and elder and this was a public celebration. It wasn’t respectful.”
Gabrielle looked at her mate in disbelief. “Xena, may I remind you, Solari gave us exactly the same thing at our wedding. I don’t remember you getting all huffy then. In fact we still got it and perhaps….” Gabrielle trailed off.
“Well that was Solari and she was our friend and, you know Solari…. she was just a bit…”Xena waggled her hand. “This was different. Didn’t you notice who gave it to you? It was Varia’s little crew. It was meant as an insult.”
“Are you sure? Perhaps it was just bad taste.”
“No it was meant to be a jab at us.”
“Xena, I don’t get it,” Gabrielle said in confusion.
Xena sighed. It was always hard to get Gabrielle to understand that some people just had a nasty side to them. “OK Gabrielle. There are those that think I dominate you. That you are just some kind of pet I keep around for my amusement. That little toy they gave you was a symbol of submission to me.”
Gabrielle was unconvinced. “Xena you’re reading too much into this.”
“Perhaps, but when I called those featherheads on the carpet for it, they sure as hell knew why I was mad. They didn’t even pretend that the gift was genuine.”
Gabrielle mulled this over and then looked slyly at her partner. “Uhmm, Xena? Those girls are still in one piece, aren’t they?”
“Yeah, they’re fine but they will spend tonight mucking out the stalls.” Just then there was a loud bang outside followed by a lot of laughter.
“Xena, what was that?” An alarmed Gabrielle asked.
Xena shrugged, “Sounds like someone just fell into one of the large drums.”
“Oh gods the Amazons are all going to be hung over tomorrow. All except Varia’s crew, of course.”
“Yeah,” smiled Xena. “I guess those girls are going to be the only ones able to spar with me tomorrow. I hope they bathe,” Xena muttered under her breath.
Gabrielle looked sternly at her partner. “Don’t hurt them."
Xena innocently looked at her partner. “I promise… I won’t hurt them…much.” The “much” was added very quietly.
Gabrielle gave her partner a stern look but the prospect of Varia’s little band of followers getting trounced by Xena didn’t disturbed the bard too much. In fact, the fact that she wasn’t upset by Xena’s planned torture upset Gabrielle more than the torture itself. Shouldn’t she be worried about the girls? Shouldn’t she talk Xena out of her plans? Isn’t that what an elder of the tribe should do? It was times like this that Gabrielle thought she was a tad too self-analytical. Gabrielle decided that she would put these thoughts out of her mind and get on with her serious chat with Xena.
Xena was blissfully unaware of the coming sensitive chat. She lit the fireplace and retrieved some packages that had been delivered earlier that day. They were from Gabrielle’s sister and niece. They were obviously birthday presents but one of the boxes was for Xena.
“Gabrielle a courier arrived from Poteidaia today. I think you got a couple of presents from your family.”
Gabrielle took the packages. One held a couple of loaves of nut bread. Xena shuddered at the nut bread. She secretly loathed nut bread – nuts always made her itch and her eyes water. She kept this fact from Gabrielle simply because she knew her partner would somehow feel guilty about enjoying something Xena couldn’t. Xena never understood this – Gabrielle hated ouzo but it never stopped Xena from enjoying it. She watched in amusement as her partner took a big bite out of one of the loaves. She then cringed as Gabrielle offered her some.
“No, no, Gabrielle. You just go ahead and enjoy your treat. I wouldn’t want to deprive you of any part of it.”
“Xena you know you're always so unselfish about the nut bread. I know you have a sweet tooth yet you always let me have all the nut bread. You are so sweet.”
Xena smiled benignly. “Yes!” she thought (with a mental fist pump). “Score one for the warrior. She thinks I am wonderful – yippee. I bet I can get the little red dumplings out of her because of this.”
Gabrielle opened the second package. This was from Sara. Gabrielle looked at her present in astonishment. It was a beautiful sheer robe. Hand stitched in a beautiful shade of green. She then noticed Xena had an identical package.
As Gabrielle held the robe up to herself, Xena looked at it in astonishment. It was stunning and very, very sheer. Xena couldn’t wait to see Gabrielle in it. She had forgotten about her own package. Gabrielle waived her hand in front of Xena.
“Xena open yours. I can wait to see what you got.”
Xena open her gift and there was a very similar robe. But this one was a brilliant blue but not quite as sheer. It too was beautifully made.
Gabrielle read the accompanying letter. Sara had learned the art of fine sewing while in Gurkhan’s harem. Since she returned from North Africa she had become a well-known seamstress and now provided a good living for herself and Lila. She wanted Gabrielle and Xena to have something special to celebrate Aunt Gabby’s birthday and Xena’s return from the pot.
Xena was eyeing both robes with a speculative expression. “Well it looks like the girl at least learned something besides how to be a bitch in that harem.”
“Xena that wasn’t very nice.”
“What?! All I said she learned a good trade. You know she kicked me in the nose and I let her get away with it, so can’t I be just be a little sarcastic?”
Xena shrugged, “OK, I apologize for being mean. Should we try these robes on?” Xena asked hopefully. She knew new clothes always made Gabrielle happy.
Gabrielle nodded but she insisted they dress separately. She wanted the new robes to make an entrance. Xena went into the bathing area and changed and Gabby stayed in the living area and got undressed.
When Xena reentered the living area her mouth dropped open. Gabrielle’s robe was nearly see-through but discreet patches of embroidery covered the more sensitive areas of Gabrielle’s anatomy. The effect was incredibly erotic.
“Oh wow,” Xena breathed. “That girl can kick me in the nose any time she wants. That is stunning.”
Gabrielle blushed a bit but she was too entranced by Xena to take much notice of what her partner was saying. Xena’s robe was more conservative than hers but the severe lines of the cut of the robe made the warrior look even more powerful and sexy than she usually did. Gabrielle was dumbstruck.
Xena smirked. “I gather from the silence I look pretty good too.” She looked down at herself. “You know this a really comfortable robe; I’m going to like wearing it. It isn’t nearly as drafty as yours is,” Xena smirked.
Gabrielle looked a bit puzzled. “The robe isn’t drafty at all. It’s very comfortable.” Then Gabrielle looked down at herself and was shocked at how much of her was exposed. “Oh my gosh. Xena it’s a little… flimsy.”
“Oh no. It should hold up quite well. After all once you put that on you’re not going to be wearing it for long anyway,” Xena helpfully supplied. “In fact I think we should get right into bed and take that robe off before it just disintegrates right off of you.”
Gabrielle was not opposed to Xena’s suggestion and in fact she was just as anxious to peel off Xena’s robe but she had her mind set on a sensitive chat and she was not about to be distracted. She wasn’t even going to be distracted by the fact that Xena was now standing very close to her and had her hands on her and was about to kiss her. Nope there was going to be a sensitive chat even if they both died from frustration. Gabby stepped back from Xena.
“Xena we have to talk,” Gabrielle staunchly announced.
“FUCK,” Xena thought loudly (she tried not to be vulgar around Gabrielle) so she said, “Crap” but very softly. She just felt there was an impending sensitive chat in the air. She hoped that sex would have delayed it or, if worse came to worse, the late hour would put it off. She knew this was a vain hope. When Gabrielle wanted to chat, they chatted. Xena steeled herself.
“OooKee. What exactly do you have on your mind?” Xena settled down on the couch in front of the fire. There was no escape; a graceful surrender was in order.
Gabrielle braced herself and plunged in. “Xena, it’s been over a year since we got you back from the land of the dead. It was a rough couple of months since – you know how you were. You’d flinch whenever I started a fire and you wouldn’t even be caught dead, I mean alive, in a room with a tea pot in it.”
Xena cringed. She hated to be reminded of her post-mortem phobias. The warrior, however, reminded herself that she quickly recovered her equilibrium.
“I’m much better now. I let you start fires all the time and I’ve stopped sleeping with my pot. I think I’m right back to being my old kick ass warrior self. You should have seen how I put the fear of Ares into those smart aleck Amazons today and I have fought any number of raiders.”
“Xena that’s exactly my point. You aren’t back to your old self at all. You seem happier and more at ease. You really have been redeemed and it shows. Oh you can still fight like a warrior possessed but you just seem more centered, and when we are together you are so sweet. I have never been happier.”
Xena sighed in relief. She did feel happier and certainly she hadn’t been this carefree since before Cortese. She was glad Gabrielle saw this and it made her happy. Xena relaxed, nothing too traumatic was going to come up in this chat. Gabby just wanted to talk about being happy. No harm here.
“Xena, I think it is time to start a family.”
If Xena weren’t a stoic warrior her eyes would have bugged out of her head at that announcement. Oh no! Not morning sickness, bloating, peeing every ten minutes. I don’t want to do this again. I have such rotten luck with kids. Please, please say you are joking – it’s a strange Poteidaian custom to scare the shit out of your partner on your birthday.
Xena thought all these thoughts but she calmly said, “Well, Gabrielle that’s an interesting idea. But I don’t think I could have any more children – having been dead and all.”
“Oh no Xena, you wouldn’t have the child.”
If Xena weren’t a stoic warrior her eyes would have bugged out of her head at that announcement. Oh no! She wants to have the kid. She wants to slug some guy on the head and drag him behind a bush and have the Amazon way with him. Wait! Gabrielle couldn’t slug some guy – CRAP! She’ll probably want me to slug him and stand guard over them while she has the Amazon way with him. Then after they’re done, I’ll have to cut the guy up in little pieces and bury him in the woods and hide that fact I killed him in a fit of jealously so she won’t feel bad about another dead boyfriend and my reverting back to my dark side. Oh, this is going to put my redemption back years.
Xena thought all these thoughts but said with false bravado, “Well, Gabrielle, if you want to have a child, you know I’ll be there for you.”
“Oh no Xena I couldn’t be with some one else – you know that. I love you and only want to be with you,” Gabrielle assured her insecure lover. “No I was thinking of adopting. What do you think?”
Xena sat back and considered this new turn of events. It had real advantages. First off there would be no body to bury unless of course Gabrielle picked out a kid whose parents weren’t dead then of course there would be two bodies to bury instead of one, but she thought that would be highly unlikely. Second there would be no morning sickness, bloating, mood swings, peeing or danger to Gabrielle’s health, the biggest plus. Third perhaps they could escape what seemed like their curse when it came to their children – no demons or angels interfering with their lives. Now, did she want kids? Xena smiled – yeah she liked kids. She thought they were interesting. She liked being around Solan and she thought Eve had real potential to be a sweet kid. Gabrielle would be a great mom – full of stories to tell. She wouldn’t be bad at the mom thing either come to think of it – she could teach it a lot of her many skills – they all didn’t involved maiming people. She would be firm but Gabrielle would temper her. Yeah she wanted a family.
”Well what do you want? A boy or a girl or both,” Xena answered.
Gabrielle was surprised at Xena’s quick acceptance of the idea. She studied her partner closely trying to see if Xena was really pleased or if she was just trying to please her. To her relief and joy Xena looked genuinely happy about the idea.
“Xena you want this, don’t you,” Gabrielle didn’t ask but stated.
“Yeah I do. I want to raise a family with you. It seems right, Gabrielle.”
Gabrielle plopped herself down in Xena’s lap and kissed her soundly. Xena laughed, “Well Gabrielle if I was a guy and got kissed like that adoption wouldn’t be an issue.”
Gabrielle suddenly got a wistful look in her eye. “ Kinda' wish that was true.”
“What? That I was a guy,” Xena’s insecurities raised their collective heads again.
“No silly. I just always had a fantasy that I would have your baby. You know one that came from our love. It would be a part of us together. That’s silly isn’t it?”
Suddenly a blinding pink light lit the room. Aphrodite appeared in all her glory with a loud bang. Xena and Gabrielle jump to their feet. Xena instinctively grabbed her chakram and threw it at the intruder. Aphrodite’s perfectly coiffed head went rolling around the couple’s living room.
“Xena,” cried Gabrielle, “you’ve cut off Dite’s head, again!”
“Well if she’d knock at the door like any other visitor instead arriving with all those pyrotechnics it wouldn’t happen.”
“Excuse me,” Aphrodite interrupted indignantly. “I’m getting lint in my hair from the carpet. Will someone please put my head back on?”
Gabrielle went over and picked up Dite’s head and gave it to Xena, because Aphrodite was just a little too tall for her. Xena took the head but with a wicked smile placed it on the goddess’s body backwards.
“Very funny, Xena … now put it on right before I get stuck…oh…wow. Look what a cute fanny I have,” Aphrodite exclaimed as she got a good look at the side she never saw before. “No wonder men just follow me around. I’d follow me around, if I could.”
Xena sighed. It was just no fun being wicked when the one you are tormenting is thrilled with the torment. Xena turned Aphrodite’s head around.
“Xena I should be furious with you but if you hadn’t cut my head off, what is it with you and beheadings anyway, I wouldn’t have known about by beautiful fanny. Thanks warrior babe.”
Xena chuckled and shook her head in amusement. Aphrodite was a good friend and she always tolerated Xena’s sometimes bazaar jokes with good humor. But more than that, she saved Gabrielle and Eve’s lives and Xena would always love her because of that.
Gabrielle ran over to her friend and gave her a big hug. Aphrodite’s friendship was something Gabrielle treasured and she was always happy to see her, even if things became exceedingly strange whenever she showed up.
“Dite what are you doing here?”
“Sweet pea. It’s your birthday. I always visit on your birthday. Get any good presents?”
“Sure. Xena made me that beautiful desk. It has a place for my quills and scrolls. Look how clever it is.”
Aphrodite had little interest in desks. Her tastes ran towards clothes and jewelry. “Yes it’s lovely. Where did you get that robe – wow?”
“My niece made this and the one Xena’s wearing. Aren’t they beautiful?” Gabrielle pirouette to show off the robe, forgetting about the see through properties.
“Uhm” smirked Aphrodite. “I see I’m not the only one with a nice fanny. Mine’s better but yours is very good too.”
“Hers is better,” Xena stated flatly.
Aphrodite looked slightly offended at this but watching Gabrielle turning in furious circles trying to see her own fanny distracted the love goddess. Xena caught the bard and stopped her spinning, “Sweetheart you’re going to get dizzy.”
“I thought there was embroidery coving all the private areas. I didn’t realize I was exposed. Why didn’t you tell me?” Gabrielle whispered to Xena.
“Because I was enjoying the view,” Xena answered honestly.
Gabrielle gave her mate an exasperated but fond look. And then sat firmly on the couch. “So much for everyone’s view."
“What’s wrong with her?” asked a perplexed Aphrodite.
“She’s shy,” Xena answered.
Aphrodite suddenly got very serious and sat down beside Gabrielle and took her friend’s hand in hers and said in a motherly tone. “You should never be shy about having a great fanny. It’s a blessing. You have never been shy about your lovely breasts. You have always worn them proudly. Let’s not forget about those abs. Always beautifully presented. It’s about time your fanny got its proper due.” Aphrodite then patted her friend’s hand.
Gabrielle blinked owlishly at the goddess, just a bit stunned by the discussion of her attributes. Xena on the other hand was having a hard time containing her impulse to laugh at Gabrielle’s stunned expression.
“Anyway enough about your body. Let’s talk about me. I have come to give you your best present. I didn’t know what to get you but I just found the perfect gift.” With that Aphrodite pointed her finger at Xena and a bolt of lightening sprang forth and hit Xena square in the gut. The warrior yelped and fell to the ground in excruciating pain.
Gabrielle leaped from the couch and fell beside her mate, grabbing Xena as she writhed in agony. “Aphrodite, what in Tartarus are you doing? For Eli’s sake, stop this you’re killing her.”
Aphrodite looked very distressed. “ I didn’t think it would hurt like that, honestly. The book of spells didn’t say anything about pain. It’ll be over soon, I promise.”
“Spell! What kind of spell?” an irate Gabrielle demanded. Her attention was drawn back to Xena when the warrior suddenly calmed. The terrible pain passed. She lay in Gabrielle’s arms breathing heavily but apparently all right. “Aphrodite what have you done?”
Now that Xena seemed all right Aphrodite recovered some of her self-confidence. “It’s your present.”
“Torturing my wife is my present! Gads, thank the gods it isn’t our anniversary or I’d be a widow, again.”
“No, No,” Aphrodite assured the bard. “I wasn’t torturing her. Look under her robe. Go on. You’ll see. It’s good. Honest.”
Gabrielle gave Aphrodite a suspicious and unfriendly look but she lifted Xena’s robe and looked.
“Yikkes!” screamed Gabrielle. She leapt away from her partner so suddenly she dropped Xena’s head, which bounced painfully on the floor.
“Hey!” protested the outraged warrior. “First your friend tried to disembowel me and now you’re trying to crack my head open. What the Hell is going on?”
Gabrielle gulped and helped Xena up from the floor. “Come over here and sit down on the couch. I have something to show you.”
Xena followed her mate to the couch. Gabrielle looked – green. Oh things didn’t look good. As Xena sat down, Gabrielle kneeled before her and parted Xena’s robe and mutely pointed to Xena’s nether region. Xena looked down. She gapped in disbelief.
“I have a penis, … balls, …pubic hair,” she announced in a dazed voice.
“Xena, you always had pubic hair,” Gabrielle pointed out.
“Oh excuse me. I was just taking inventory, I didn’t know I was supposed to only count the new equipment,” Xena’s voice rose to a dangerous pitch on the word “equipment”. “Where the Hell is my sword? I’m going carve that bleach blond into so many pieces even your niece couldn’t sew her together,” Xena growled.
“Calm down. We'll get this fixed. No swords. Just relax.” Gabrielle hastily assured her berserk mate. “APHRODITE FIX THIS NOW!”
This was not going the way Aphrodite had envisioned this moment. She expected joy, happiness, kisses, even worship. Things just were going horribly wrong. Wait! Of course they are upset she hadn’t explained things. Silly goddess.just wait until they hear the good news.
“Xena and Gabrielle you are just over reacting.”
Xena growled. She had grown inarticulate in rage. She wanted a lethal weapon – she didn’t want to be redeemed; she wanted to be evil – so she could rip the goddess limb from limb. Gabrielle was never inarticulate but she was having trouble forming words. She took a deep breath, put a claming hand on Xena and barked at Aphrodite, “TALK!”
“I just gave you what you wished for, Gabrielle. You said you wished that you could have Xena’s child and now you can. Ta Da!” The “Ta Da” didn’t go over as well as Aphrodite hoped. Xena looked murderous and Gabrielle was still a bit green.
“You were eavesdropping on me and Xena?” Gabrielle asked evenly. “Do… you…watch…us?”
“Of course I do. I’m a god – I’m omnipresent – you know … everywhere. Always around. Looking in on you and Xena. You know just keeping an eye on my favorite couple of gals.” Aphrodite was trying her best to make her voyeurism seem natural but again things weren’t going well.
“We’ll have to talk about that later, but now fix Xena.”
“What do you mean 'can’t?” Xena had regained the power of speech. “You did this, undo it – now!"
“I can’t because the spell can’t be reversed until it accomplishes what it’s suppose to do. When Gabby gets pregnant - puff your little visitor will be gone and everything will be back to normal. Bye!” Aphrodite twinkled away in a flurry of pink sparkles. It had to be said that the sparkles were just a bit subdued.
Xena sat back and contemplated her situation. She had been crucified twice, had her legs broken and healed by magic, was burned to ashes and raised from the dead by two different sets of gods. Now she had a sex change. She decided her life was decidedly odd and she was tired of it. She was going to have a normal life if it killed her, if it killed Gabrielle. That is as soon she got her partner pregnant and lost her penis. Xena sighed - her life was so odd.
Gabrielle sat back and contemplated her situation. She had been crucified and raised from the dead, bore a demon child, fell in love with a woman who kept getting killed and resurrected and now has had a sex change. Her life was just so odd. She was tired of it. She would have a normal life if it killed her, if it killed Xena. That is as soon as Xena got her pregnant and her partner’s penis fell off. Gabrielle sighed – she wondered if Xena ever thought how odd their life was.
The two partners contemplated each other. Xena finally spoke, “Well this sure tops the dildo as a present.”
“Xena this isn’t a laughing matter. I just made an idle wish and look what I’ve done to you. I am so sorry.” There were tears in Gabrielle’s eyes.
Xena sobered. “Gabrielle this isn’t your fault. You just said something rather sweet. You couldn’t know Aphrodite gets her kicks spying on us." That’s a rather disturbing thought – I wonder if she watches us all the time. Oh I better not think of that or I’ll never get Gabrielle pregnant, Xena suddenly thought. “Anyway it’s done. Now we live with it. Are you ready to have a baby?” Oh Gods I hope she hasn’t changed her mind or I am going to have to figure out if I dress right or left.
Gabrielle looked curiously at Xena. “Yes Xena, I’m ready to have a baby. I just wanted it to be a normal child. Nothing special - just a nice normal happy kid.”
“You know with you as its mom it just has to be special,” Xena said with a smile – she just loves that mushy stuff – that’ll make her smile again. Gabrielle smiled and Xena continued, “You know once you get past the conception, the pregnancy will probably just be a normal pregnancy, the baby will be born the regular way and it will just be that normal kid you and I want.”
Gabrielle nodded. Xena was right. Now all they have to do is make love and then she’ll get pregnant and everything will be fine, Gabrielle reassured herself. Suddenly Gabrielle was struck with a horrible thought.
“Xena do you think that thing will work. You know how Dite is – she might have gotten the spell wrong. Maybe you have a dud.”
Xena was slightly insulted at the unintentional slur on her manhood or half manhood – it was a bit confusing. She never had any problems in that department but of course she never really had to – ah – rise to the occasion before. OH GODS what if it doesn’t work!
“Gabrielle,” Xena said bravely, “the only thing to do is take this puppy out for a test ride.” Xena got up from the couch and stood before Gabrielle. Drawing the smaller woman to her she kissed her passionately. Gabrielle responded without hesitation. Xena began to run her hands up Gabrielle’s sides and soon the belt of her robe was loosened. As they kissed Xena put her hands inside Gabrielle’s robe and cupped a breast. Suddenly Gabrielle drew back a fraction.
“Something’s poking me,” she announce a bit breathlessly.
Poking! I don’t have my armor on, Xena thought hazily. Then suddenly her mind cleared. POKING! Xena now stepped a little father back from Gabrielle and peeked inside her robe. “I seem to be fully functional,” Xena announced in satisfaction.
“Oh good,” purred Gabrielle. “It’s baby making time.”
Xena grinned and picked Gabrielle up in her arms and carried her to their bed. Gabrielle’s robe fell away as she was laid on the bed. Xena untied her robe and it fell open. Gabrielle gasped as she looked at Xena. A breeze was blowing from the open window. Xena's robe fanned out behind her and her hair ruffled. She was bathed in moonlight. Her breasts and hips every inch a woman but her member stood erect. Gabrielle reached for her lover and Xena shrugged off her robe. Gabrielle could hardly breathe and Xena came to her. Gabrielle parted her legs. Xena was about to climb on to the bed when there was loud banging at the door.
“Xena!” the voice of a young scout shouted.
Xena growled and yelled, “Go away we are very busy.”
“Raiders have been spotted on the eastern border. We need you and Gabrielle.”
“I’ll be there in a minute. Go away.”
Gabrielle raised an eyebrow at this and whispered to her frustrated lover, “A MINUTE!” Thereupon Gabrielle dissolved into giggles.
Xena let out a deflated sigh. She gently bump her forehead against Gabrielle’s and received a sympathetic kiss. Xena then reluctantly left the bed. As she was putting on her robe she felt a very odd tugging sensation in her groin but she ignored it.
“I’m coming,” she called to the scout. She flung open the door. Janna a young boarder scout stood nervously before her feared commander. She knew full well that she probably was calling Xena away from a romantic evening but she had no choice. She felt awful and it didn’t help when Gabrielle appeared in her new flimsy robe. Confronted by an obviously angry warrior and her nearly nude wife nearly undid the young woman.
“Gabrielle, go put on your flannel robe before Janna swallows her tongue,” Xena ordered in mock gruffness. Gabrielle smirked but did go get another robe.
“OK what is going on?”
The girl swallowed but made her report as quickly and thoroughly as Xena taught her to do. “Twenty mounted raiders were seen at the western border trying to sneak down the Strymen pass. The border guards haven’t engaged them since they are out numbered but they are following their progress. We believe they will reach our first forest traps in about two candle marks.”
“Excellent report. Go inform Cyane and wake the rest of the council. There are four women cleaning stables. Tell them to saddle Argo and Cyane’s and the council’s horses. We will meet the raiders at the first trap.”
As the scout left Xena went back into the cabin and began to dress. Gabrielle too was getting into her battle dress.
“Are you going to meet the raiders with just the council and the border guards?”
“Yeah we should be OK. Cyane and the council are the best and most experienced warriors. They make at least five for every one of the young warriors. I would like you to stay here though.”
Gabrielle turned on her friend. “No the last time I wasn’t with you your got killed. I’m going!”
Just then there was a loud commotion in the courtyard as the
drunken Amazons spilled out of the dining hall.
”Gabrielle I want you to stay here so you can sober up those drunken Amazons. They respect you and will listen to you.” Off of Gabrielle’s doubtful look, Xena added with a lopsided grin, “you are very good at getting stubborn warriors to do what you want. So get those women sober and up to fighting speed in case they are needed.”
Gabrielle knew Xena was right. With Cyane and the council gone some one had to be in charge and she was the logical choice. She didn’t like it but it made sense.
Gabrielle nodded. The women finished dressing and just as Xena finished buckling on her last bit of armor, she heard the scout arrive with Argo. Xena stepped out on to the porch with Gabrielle. A saddled Argo awaited her, as did Cyane and the council. Xena gently cupped Gabrielle face and gave her a loving kiss (since being dead again Xena always kissed Gabrielle good-bye as if it would be their last kiss). Xena then stepped back, promised to be careful, and jauntily leaped onto Argo. A strange look appeared on Xena’s face and suddenly she realized that jumping on horses might not be such a good idea right now.
“Xena you look funny. You haven’t been drinking too,” Cyane asked with a wink. “Or is it frustration?”
“Ah no, no everything is fine,” Xena gulped. As they rode off at a furious gallop Xena regretted buying a saddle with such a large saddle horn.
Gabrielle surveyed the Amazon compound from her hut’s porch. She had actually managed to get a significant number of her tribe members sober enough so they could at least stand guard. It was not an easy task. It was first very difficult to make any one understand that there were raiders in the territory then it was equally difficult to stop the drunken women from staggering out to fight them. She finally herded the women into the baths for a quick dip in the cold baths – that too was a chore – it was like herding cats – drunken cats. Amazons either kept wandering away or would simply lie down on the ground and go to sleep. She got about half the number she started out with in the baths and they sobered up fairly quickly. They were now out in force – they were a bit green around the edges and Gabrielle was reminded of that old top she use to wear. To this day she never figured out why it kept getting smaller. Xena always said it was because she was developing muscles but Gabby always thought Xena had a guilty look whenever she mentioned it.
“Oh Xena where are you?” Gabrielle now started to worry again. It was now mid-morning and nothing had been heard of the patrol that left last night.
“Amazons approaching!” called Verna the sentry in the guard tower. Gabrielle was thrilled to hear the news. Unfortunately the hung over Amazons were not so happy. Verna had a voice that bore a striking similarity to chalk on a blackboard. That’s why she was the village’s crier – it was loud and carried. Twenty-four Amazons now cringed in agony with their heads nearly exploding.
The patrol rode into the village. Gabrielle immediately saw Xena and counted heads. Everyone was accounted for and they all seemed in an exuberant mood, all except Xena. Gabrielle knew that look. Xena was hurt but she was doing a good job of hiding it from everyone except Gabrielle.
Xena stiffly dismount her horse and called an Amazon over. She gave Argo’s reins to her and ordered that the horse be cooled down and given extra oats. Gabrielle joined her partner and was about ask her what was wrong, when a raucous voice broke in. “Give Argo extra oats?! Hell! Give Xena extra oats. She kicked ass like there was no tomorrow. That’s what they get for interrupting Xena’s romantic evening.” Matilda an elder of the tribe known for her vulgarity and good nature was just getting wound up. “By the gods Gabrielle you should have seen her. I never saw her ride like that. She rode into those raiders like she was on fire. Jumped off Argo and laid into them. She was fighting like she usually does but then some SOB kicked her in her pussy and she went off like one of them Roman candles. I though she wasn’t going let us have any fun at all.”
Xena smiled tightly and murmured under her breath, “ I was on fire.” Gabrielle looked at her curiously. “Chaffing,” Xena whispered. Gabrielle tried not to look toward Xena’s crotch but the temptation was too much. Xena caught her, “Hey don’t look – you’ll see it soon enough.” Gabrielle looked coyly at Xena but something in her partner’s eyes told her she wasn’t being flirtatious.
“So you drove the raiders off?” Gabrielle asked.
Cyane replied. “They won’t be back. The traps knocked off a few before we attacked. Our patrol killed quite a few and the rest ran off. We then harried them out of the territory, that’s what took so long.”
“Yes we did our job. It wasn’t all Xena, you know.” Varia added snidely. Although she had been stripped of her queen-hood Varia still had a place on the council. She was an excellent warrior but her resentment over losing the crown had only grown over time. She had become sarcastic and often foul tempered.
“No Varia. It wasn’t all me. Everyone did a good job, especially the young scouts who had the good sense to call for reinforcements and keep an eye on the raiders. They showed wisdom and good judgment. Something that was lacking in some warriors in the past.” Xena could be nasty too.
Varia bristled but Cyane stepped in. “Well, we are all tired and before we say something that will led to a fist fight let’s go get some rest. Looks like the village has enough security. Tell someone to wake the sleeping beauties littering the grounds so they can take over for their hung-over sisters. Gabrielle take your warrior to bed, she needs some rest.”
“Rest! Hell!” Brayed Matilda. “Bet she picks up where she left off last night. A kick in the pussy won’t slow her down and it if it does Gabrielle can kiss it and make it better. HAHAHAHAHA!”
Xena glared at the older woman. “Matilda remember, Gabrielle is a queen and she deserves respect. And she’s my wife, what we do when we are alone is not for discussion in the camp.”
“No harm meant, Xena. You know me … always a big mouth.” Matilda said. She knew she often crossed the line but she was the type of person who actually never meant any harm.
“Matilda there is no offense here,” Gabrielle said. Then she winked at the big woman, “In fact I just may follow your medical advice.”
That broke the tension and everyone laughed. All except Xena who gave Gabrielle an exasperated look and then gave her partner a small wink. Gabrielle took Xena by the hand and led her away from the warriors to their hut.
As soon as the got into the hut and the door was closed, Xena collapsed against it. Gabrielle stifled a cry of alarm.
“Xena, are you badly hurt? Are you wounded? I’ll call for the healer.”
“Gabrielle, don’t fuss. I’m all right but, by the gods, that bastard kicked me in the balls and it hurt like Hades. Then the damn saddle horn rubbed all the way out to the field and then it banged against the bruise all the way back. Gabrielle, I think I broke it.” Xena said with touch of panic.
“Xena we’ve been kicking and hitting guys in the crotch for years and we never broke one.” Gabrielle answered sensibly.
“How do you know? We’ve probably single handily caused a population decline in Greece.” Xena said plaintively.
Gabrielle cocked an eyebrow at Xena but said nothing. She led the warrior over to the bed and had her lie down. She undid Xena's battle skirt and removed her under garments. She then inspected the injured part. Gabrielle blanched.
Xena saw Gabrielle's sudden paleness and broke out in a cold sweat. Oh gods, I did break it. I’m going to be stuck with that thing for life and it isn’t even going to work. FUCK - oh no there’ll be none of that will there, Xena thought morosely. She however said to Gabrielle, “Things can’t be that bad. Let me look.” Xena tried to peer at her nether region without much success.
“Xena it’s swollen, and not in a good way. It’s also turned purple with shades of green.”
“What’s swollen and purple?”
“How about the balls?”
“What about them?” Gabrielle asked curiously.
“How do they look?” Xena asked with growing concern. She didn’t want to be a woman turned into a man turned into a eunuch. That would just be too bizarre. “Are they – um- still round? You know - not flat?”
“They’re purple but they are still nice and plump. A little like plums.” Gabrielle added helpfully.
Xena gave her partner an incredulous look. Everything just relates to food with her. “Well that doesn’t sound too bad, I guess. A cold compress will take the swelling down. Then we’ll add heat for the bruising.”
Gabrielle nodded. She got some clean rags and soaked them in water. She then put them on Xena’s injuries. Xena hissed.
Gabrielle quickly took the rag away. “I hurt you. I’m sorry."
“No, no it was just cold. Put it back, it actually feels good.”
Gabrielle gently sat on the bed and studied Xena’s crotch now discretely covered by the wet rag. “You know what would help? If you went over to the bath house and used the cold pool for a while. Then you could move over to the hot pool. You could alternate. That would work better than the compresses, don’t you think?”
“Yeah it would but I can’t go.”
“Gabrielle, I can’t be seen like this,” Xena said.
“ I know you have your pride but so what if people see you are injured. No one will think less of you.”
Xena look curiously at her wife. “Gabrielle I can’t be seen naked. The Amazons would freak out if they see that I am a man.“
“You are not a man,” Gabrielle answered reasonably.
“I have a penis and all the stuff that goes with it. For the Amazons that pretty much defines man. They don’t like men that much and they certainly don’t like them living with their queens in their village.”
Gabrielle blinked at Xena. “I never thought of that. We’ll have to leave.” She looked around their home. There wasn’t anything she would miss but she wasn’t going to give up that desk. She was just figuring out how they would get it on Argo’s back when Xena interrupted her train of thought.
“We’re not leaving. You love it here and we made this our home. We’ll just wait it out. As soon as you get pregnant I’ll be back to normal and no one will ever know. We’ll then take a short trip and just say you got pregnant in the Amazon way. No one will ever be the wiser.”
Gabrielle bit her lip and considered Xena’s words. She didn’t like lying and certainly wasn’t fond of deception. She thought it caused more trouble than it was worth, but maybe Xena was right. Xena was respected and seemed to enjoy training the Amazons. Certainly the Amazons were better off with Xena here. Look at those raiders. If this were two years ago those guys probably would have ridden right into the village. It was Xena’s security plans that saved them last night. The Amazons are lucky to have her around. No they will stay right here. After all how long could it take to get pregnant?
“You’re right. I’ll be pregnant before any one suspects anything…right…we make love a lot. It shouldn’t take long.”
“Sure but we are going to have to wait a bit – until, you know, it heals a bit. It really, really hurts,” Xena’s voice faded off.
Gabrielle nodded sympathetically. However in her gut she felt life was going to be more complicated than that. Gabrielle shrugged and then rewet Xena’s compress. Since neither she nor Xena had had any sleep for over twenty-four hours she decide it was time for the two of them to take a much-needed nap. She quickly undressed and went to climb into bed beside Xena.
As Gabrielle started to get into bed, Xena eyes grew wide with alarm. “What do you think you are doing?” she asked in a slight panic.
“I’m going to bed. I’ve been up all night and so have you. What’s the matter?”
“You’re naked,” Xena whispered.
“Yeah, I always sleep in the nude when we’re alone. You’re naked too. Except for the wet rag, of course,” Gabrielle replied a bit annoyed.
“Ah. Well you see – ah - the sight of you nude it is – ah - getting me –ah – aroused.” Xena said in a tight voice. “That’s not a good thing right now. It’s incredibly painful.”
Gabrielle stared at her lover and then turned her head so Xena couldn’t see the grin she had on her face. “OK – um I have that flannel nightshirt I wear when you are away. It’s really unsexy.”
“Good, good - flannel sounds like just the thing.”
Gabrielle got up and rummaged around her trunk and found the shirt. It was very ratty and having once been Xena’s and it was way too big for her. Gabrielle was sure no one would ever find her attractive in it.
Unfortunately Xena found her even more attractive – in a poor waif kind of way. Xena sighed and closed her eyes. What to do? Suddenly an idea came to her – she would think of Matilda. The older Amazon was a good friend but she did look like a cross between a Roman war dog and one of the bull fighting dogs from Britannia. She also smelled of the camphor that she liberally spread on her body to ward off the aches and pains of advancing age. Yeah that did the trick. Xena’s visitor settled down.
Gabrielle now finally was able to get into bed. She leaned over to give Xena a kiss. Just before her lips met Xena’s, Xena whispered, “Think of Lila.”
That startled Gabrielle to no end. “What?”
“Kiss me like you kiss Lila. You know sisterly - not like you usually do.”
“Xena this is ridiculous. You can’t possibly find everything I do arousing.”
Xena blushed in embarrassment. The truth was out. She did find nearly everything Gabrielle did arousing. Well of course not everything or she would be useless, but certainly when beds were involved then it practically went to a hundred percent.
Gabrielle saw the blush and grinned in pleasure at what that meant. She then put on a serious face and chastely kissed Xena on the check. “Can I sleep on your shoulder or would that wake…”
“Yes, Gabrielle, you can sleep on my shoulder … I think Mr. Herbert is asleep.” Xena said with a twinkle in her eye.
Gabrielle sat up and peered down at Xena. “You named it Mr. Herbert? Why?”
“Well we can’t refer to my penis as a penis, in case we are overheard. So we should have a code word. I knew a Herbert once – a bald guy and he was a real dickhead but kind of cute. I thought it fit.” Xena explained with a false logic.
Gabrielle giggled and lay down on Xena’s shoulder. If Xena could be silly about this whole situation why should she worry. She relaxed and soon began to gently snore. This was of course Xena’s plan. She wanted the bard to stop worrying and get some sleep. If a bit of foolishness accomplished that, then, she would be foolish. Xena however had a sneaking hunch Mr. Herbert was going to be a lot of trouble before his visit was over. Xena then closed her eyes and feel asleep. She was going to need her rest if she was going to deal with those troubles.
The pair slept through the day. Gabrielle awoke in the early evening and got some food for the couple. Xena awoke soon after. Herb was still very sore but less swollen. The two women spent the evening tending to him and discussing their future plans. Gabrielle was getting very excited about being a mother and was full of plans. Xena was more cautious. She reminded Gabrielle that it sometimes took a while to get pregnant and that they would have to be careful. It was going to be hard. Amazons lived communally – they eat together, worked together and bathed together. The bathing issue was going to be a problem.
“So do you have a plan? I mean you are going to get a little ripe if you don’t bathe. Also what about going to the toilet?” Gabrielle asked.
“Well, I can put a shower in the wash room. We’ll just say I’ve suddenly gotten anti-social. Knowing me they should expect that.”
Gabrielle gave her partner a look.
“What? You know it’s true. I can be a real bitch so if I suddenly want to be left alone, no one will think that’s strange. As for the toilet – we have a chamber pot here and I’ll just be careful not to be seen peeing standing up.”
“OooKee. Sounds like a plan.” Gabrielle reluctantly agreed. “When do you think you be up to having sex?”
“My, straight forward, aren’t we,” Xena smirked. “I’m a fast healer but I’ve slowed down a bit since my last dirt nap. I’d say two - three days.”
Gabrielle nodded and began to count in her head. Oh no there might be a problem. Well maybe she’ll be late this month. Gabrielle hoped.
She wasn’t. On the third day of the injury, Xena awoke feeling ready to make babies. Gabrielle however wasn’t in bed. She was sitting by the fire with a hot brick on her abdomen. Xena went over to her and sat down beside her.
“Got your period?” Xena asked sympathetically.
“I’m sorry Xena. I messed things up again.” Gabrielle had tears in her eyes. She had convinced herself that as soon as Xena got well again she would be pregnant in no time at all. Now they would have to wait again. “It’ll only be a few days right.”
“It’s all right Gabrielle. It’s a good thing you have your period. That shows you're fertile and in good working order,” Xena added with a slight grin. “We’ll start as soon as your period stops.” Xena now started counting in her head. She knew from her own personal experience that sex just after and just before her period had always been safe. It was that period just in between was the time you most likely got pregnant. That’s what happened with Solon – after Japa she lost track of time and she miscalculated and wound up pregnant. Perhaps it would be that way with Gabrielle – if that was so, then they had about two weeks to wait. She didn’t say anything to her partner about this because she knew Gabrielle was worried enough.
Xena now began to plan her day. She knew Gabrielle liked to be left alone when she wasn’t feeling well so she planned a busy day. She had been out of commission for three days, just long enough for her young Amazon trainees to get a tad lazy. She thought this would be a good day to have them drill and she looked forward to it. Since she was both good and redeemed it was hard to find excuses to exercise her evil side. Yes Xena still had an evil side but it was well controlled and often not very evil – now it just had a tendency to be real annoying. It did like to get out once in awhile and putting young Amazons through the warrior’s exhausting drills and sparring sessions seemed to satisfy it very well. Xena chuckled, evilly, yes it was especially fun to torture Varia’s tiny group of admirers.
Xena called the young Amazons to attention. “All right, ladies. You’ve had a few days off and I’m sure you had a very nice vacation. Well it’s over now. I’mmmmmm baaaack. Let’s start by some laps around the compound.”
The young women began to run around the compound. Like all Amazons, they were scantily clad and their usual attire was not always suited for running, especially among the well endowed. Xena often thought about getting Gabrielle to whip up some of those tops she use to wear back in the old days for the women. Xena was ruminating on this very subject when she felt an odd sensation. It was a slight movement in her nether regions. It wasn’t arousal, exactly; it was more of a twinge. It unsettled the warrior but she thought it might have been just an after effect of her injury. After all she had seen the Amazons in various stages of undress and she barely even acknowledged that they were women. Xena really did only have eyes for Gabrielle.
Unfortunately for the Amazons Xena became a bit preoccupied with her twinge and forgot about the galloping women. They were becoming terribly winded. They were however Amazons and they ran on and on and on.
“Xena!” shouted Cyane. “I think the girls have had enough!”
“Huh?” Xena answered intelligently. She then noticed her gasping and panting troops. “That’s enough. Uh, excellent conditioning – there. Yes if you were ever forced to run for your lives, I see that you would all survive.” Xena turned away from the now collapsed women to hide her rueful expression.
Cyane however saw the expression and sidled up to Xena. “Are you OK? You had the strangest expression on your face.”
“Oh I guess I was just a bit preoccupied.” Xena decided that now was as good a time as any to start to lay the foundations for Gabrielle’s eventual pregnancy. “I was just thinking that some day Gabrielle and I will have a daughter in training.” She’ll however have one of her mom’s BGSB – no bouncing around for her so perverts can ogle her. Was I ogling the girls? Am I a pervert? Xena suddenly thought in alarm.
“There you go again. Drifting off. Perhaps you should go lie down a bit. The sun is hot today and you were injured. Jeeze Xena! I wouldn’t have thought getting kicked – you know – there would be so debilitating. Perhaps I should talk to Ife our healer about this. Perhaps we aren’t paying enough attention to the long term effects of such injuries.” With that Cyane strode off to have a serious talk with the healer.
A puzzled Xena watched Cyane walk off to the healer. In truth she wasn’t paying any attention to what the queen was saying. She was still preoccupied with the fear that she was lusting after her charges. Speaking of the charges, they had now recovered sufficiently to be eager to continue their training. The Amazons were often distressingly enthusiastic about training.
“We are ready for our sparring session, Xena.” Mavis spoke up. The petite blond was one of Xena’s most enthusiastic trainees.
Xena broke out of her trance and smiled at the young woman. She studied the girl and suddenly thought if she and Gabrielle had a daughter, she might look like Mavis. Xena was surprised at how much joy that thought gave her.
“Ok. Everyone pick a partner. Today we will start with some staff work and then we will work with wooden swords.”
The women soon paired up. They began with a rhythmic set of exercises of attacks and defenses. As the exercises progressed the speed began to pick up. As the speed increased the women began to make changes in their attacks and parries. Her students were very good and Xena often used these exercises as a warm up for the sparing class. Today the young women were particularly good. Xena watched them with great pride and joy. She loved to watch well trained bodies do their jobs well.
Much to Xena’s surprise and embarrassment it appeared that her newest body part decided to demonstrate its joy also. Herb decided to dance. Well not dance exactly but it was swaying in rhythm with the women as they sparred. Xena couldn’t believe what was happening. She snuck a quick peek down and to her mortification saw that the pleats of her battle dress were definitely moving. She quickly looked around to see if any one else noticed but no one seemed to. “This is bad.” Xena thought to herself. “I can’t … I’m not attracted to these girl. By whatever gods there are left I’m their teacher and I love Gabrielle. I must be having some kind of post death trauma.” Then Xena was struck by a more terrifying thought, "What if Gabrielle finds out I’m a randy old lady …man…whatever? Gods, that pot is looking better and better."
Once again Xena drifted off into her own horror-filled world and once again the Amazons were running out of steam. Xena however quickly came to herself and called a halt to the exercise before anyone collapsed. “Take five.” Xena ordered. The girls sat down on the ground winded but not exhausted. In fact, they felt invigorated and with a light sheen to their skin, they were very sexy. Xena was terrified to look at them. What would Herb do? Xena however was always ready to face unpleasant truths so she studied the girls before her. Herb did nothing. No dancing and certainly no attempt to come to attention. “Uhm, perhaps I’m not a pervert after all," Xena though in relief.
Xena was now ready to continue the lesson. She would however be very careful and give Herb no chance to get …worked up. She planned to introduce the young women to sword work today. This would be the first time these girls would be using swords. Xena now began to hand out the wooden training swords. They had the weight and feel of metal swords but would not injure anyone.
The new weapons excited the girls. It was an important milestone in any trainee’s progress toward being a warrior. The weapons mesmerized them but soon their attention was riveted to Xena. She was the greatest sword in the land and she was about to teach them. Life couldn’t get better than this.
Xena was less enthusiastic. She had been looking forward to teaching the girls this skill but Herb was presenting a problem. What if one of the girls asked for help and Xena had to take her in hand? Would Herb behave himself? And if he didn’t would it mean Xena wasn’t behaving or did Herb have a mind of his own? Are men actually right when they said they had no control over themselves? That was a frightening thought. “Well,” Xena thought. “I’ll just start them off and stand back. Can’t get into trouble that way.”
So that’s what Xena did; showed the girls a few basic moves and had them pair up to practice. Everything was going fine when Celia, a particularly buxom and pretty young lady, was having problems with a particular move. She asked for help. With dread Xena approached the girl and stood behind her to help guide her hand. To Xena‘s great relief Herb behaved. In fact as more and more girls asked for help Xena soon forgot she had her new appendage. Everything was going smoothly. The young women picked up the sword skills very quickly and soon were sparring with grace and ease. Xena watched her charges with pride and joy. Then Herb started to dance, again.
Xena was mortified. She surreptitiously peered down at herself. Sure enough the pleats of her skirt were flapping in the breeze. What is going on? I know I am not attracted to these girls. Why am I reacting like this? Xena was as sure as she could be that it wasn’t arousal. She was sure of it but she needed to test the theory. She called a halt to the sparring, Herb calmed down immediately. Xena went over and inspected each girl very closely just to make sure the no one had been injured, she said. Nope, no reaction from Herb. That was a relief. The girls now left and Xena pondered her problem.
Suddenly out of the corner of her eye she spied Gabrielle talking to Cyane, Matilda, and Ife, the Egyptian healer. Xena was a woman of action. She strode over to Gabrielle and kissed her passionately and deeply for at least two minutes. Gabrielle’s companions gaped in surprise and envy at Xena’s sudden ardor.
Just as suddenly as the kiss came, it was broken. Xena stepped back from a stunned Gabrielle. Xena looked thoughtfully at her partner then smiled in triumph. “Yep that’s arousal” Xena thought with satisfaction. Whatever Herb was reacting to before it wasn’t passion or lust or even attraction? No sir, Xena now felt passion, lust, and attraction and Herb was at full attention. Only Gabrielle could do that. Xena quickly turned on her heels and retreated to their hut for a nice cold shower.
The Amazons all looked at their former queen. Gabrielle had the look of a person who had just been struck by lightening – frazzled but charged up. Gabrielle stared after her rapidly disappearing wife and turned to her awestruck friends. She could think of absolutely nothing to say. So, she just smiled sweetly at them and rapidly followed Xena into their hut.
“You know Xena's been acting oddly all day,” Cyane observed. “I never would have thought a kick to the groin could rattle some one that much. Ife we have to devise some kind of protection for down there. ”
“If you’d ask me I sure as hell hope some one would kick me there if that’s what it does to you,” Matilda then added. “In fact next mating season we ought to line the women up give them all a swift kick and we would have a bumper crop of kids come the spring.”
Ife said nothing. Something was up with both Gabrielle and Xena. Gabrielle had appeared particularly anxious and had asked a lot questions about childbirth. She had assumed Gabrielle was thinking about having a baby. She wondered what Xena thought about it and if she was agreeable. The warrior was becoming more and more aloof and was staying by herself. She thought there might be trouble about Gabrielle’s wish. Now she was more uncertain than ever. The public kiss was out of character for Xena. Did it mean Xena was asserting her ownership over Gabrielle or was it her tacit approval of Gabrielle’s plan? Being an analytical person, Ife decided to ponder the ramifications of Xena’s actions.
Gabrielle entered their home and heard Xena whistling a jaunty tune in the shower. Xena soon emerged wrapped in a towel. She seemed in a really good mood and sat down on the couch before the fire. She looked expectantly at her partner. She knew Gabby must be bursting with questions and she was ready to answer.
“Xena, what was up with that kiss? It was terrific but you never kissed me like before in front of others. You do remember that I don’t like to be intimate when I have my visitor?”
Xena looked startled for a moment and actually looked around for the “visitor”, then remembered that Gabrielle liked to use euphemisms. Sometimes she actually made them up on the spot. Apparently “visitor” was a new one.
“Yeah I know. That wasn’t why I kissed you. It was an experiment!" Xena announced.
Gabrielle thought about this. “Experiment? What exactly where you trying to find out? If you could actually curl my toes with a kiss? The answer is yes and that isn’t all you curled.”
“Or had it to do with those watching the kiss? Were you trying to see if their eyeballs could pop out so far they would actually fall out and roll around on the ground?”
“OOH! What an intriguing idea that was,” Xena thought. She amused herself by picturing assorted Amazons scrambling after their rolling eyeballs while bumping into each other. It’s a good thing she never thought of this when she was an evil warlord – yuck. Xena shuddered.
“No. That wasn’t it, at all,” Xena answered. “No I was trying to figure out exactly what arousal felt like now that I’m different. So I kissed you to find out.”
“Why are you suddenly curious about that?” Gabrielle asked suspiciously. “You certainly were aroused the other night. Couldn’t you remember? I doubt if you got amnesia when you got kicked. Oh my gosh, Xena you don’t still think it’s broken?” Gabrielle peered anxiously at Xena’s crotch.
“No, no, no. It’s fine. In fact it’s more than fine.” Xena assured her. Xena had thought long and hard or at least as long as it took to shower whether to tell Gabrielle about her dancing penis. At first she thought it would be wise not to tell her wife that Herb took to dancing when confronted by nubile young women exerting themselves, however, Xena knew instinctively that Gabrielle would find out – somehow she always found out everything. And when she found out Xena would be in deep manure. So it was best to ‘fess up and make the best of it.
“Today something rather odd happened.” Xena began. “Ahm, while I was watching my trainees spar…ah… Herb began to move... a bit.”
“What do you mean Herb 'moved'? And why are we still calling your penis Herb. I though that was a joke.”
“Shhh!” Xena put her finger to her lips and looked around. “Herb is our code word for …penis. I don’t think we should mention that word more than we need to in the village. You know how Amazons react to penises – they either want to kill their owners or screw them. There doesn’t seem to be any in between with them.”
Gabrielle stared at Xena. She was sure there was some kind of slur in there about the Amazons but she wasn’t sure exactly what it was. Xena did have truth on her side. But she was being distracted from the issue at hand. Xena’s penis… err Herb… was moving when around other women. Gabrielle was not pleased.
“Xena what exactly was Herb doing?”
Xena could tell Gabrielle was getting aggravated but there was no going back now. “When I was watching the girls spar, they were really good and they had this great rhythm and Herb got caught up in it…and started to sway in time…you know …like dancing.” Xena was profoundly embarrassed now that she had actually announced out loud that she had a dancing penis.
Gabrielle swallowed hard. Gabrielle had many faults, as she was the first to admit, but the one she was most ashamed of was that she was jealous of Xena. She handled men fairly well but women really set her on edge. Hell she nearly got Xena killed because she was jealous of Loa Mao. She thought she had a handle on it. She certainly took Akemi in stride – the fact the girl was dead helped a lot, but still she behaved beautifully. However alive, young, beautiful women who had warrior skills was another matter entirely. Gabrielle wanted to know exactly what was going on and she wanted to know now.
“So Herb was 'dancing'. Do you have any idea why he was dancing? You do know he is attached to you, Xena. So perhaps the better question is why you made Herb dance?” Gabrielle’s voice rose just a bit on the final question.
Xena licked her lips. Gabrielle was upset and jealous. Shit! Just what she wanted to avoid. Perhaps if she kept this as clinical as possible everything would be fine.
“I was concerned about this development. It was a shock. I mean I have been around half naked Amazons for a while now and frankly I never thought of them as half naked women. I just saw them as sister warriors. I never was attracted to any of them.” In fact I found most of them annoying as hell, Xena added silently to herself. “So at first I thought I was being aroused by them. But when the women stopped sparring Herb stopped dancing. Then we started some sword drills and Celia asked for help.”
“Celia? The pretty girl with the big…”
“Yes exactly,” Xena answered hastily. She didn’t like the glint in Gabrielle’s eye. Xena plowed forward with her story. “I had to get really close to her and nothing happened. Herb was dead as a doornail. And... and then I help other girls and nothing . Herb was not moving at all. But when they started their sparring drills, he started dancing again. So I wanted find out if that was arousal or not. So I kissed you to see what Herb’s reaction would be.”
“And what did you find out?” Gabrielle asked now curious in spite of herself.
“I found out what arousal is. I kissed you and Herb just leapt to attention. He leapt so much I either had to take a cold shower or take you right then and there.”
Gabrielle looked at her anxious partner. She knew Xena was telling the truth. She wouldn’t lie about this. The warrior loved her and only her, she knew that, but she was a bit worried that Herb would cause some kind of change in Xena or her libido. Her mother always said men followed their heads too much and she didn’t mean the one where they kept their ears. Gabrielle wasn’t sure that she was relieved or not. What did Xena’s experience mean?
“So when you kissed me you were aroused?”
Xena nodded vigorously
“But you were not aroused by the Amazons?”
Xena nodded with equal vigor.
“So what was happening with the Amazons?” Gabrielle was now fascinated by Xena’s predicament.
“I think Herb was reflecting my feelings but not sexual feelings.” Xena amended quickly. “I felt a lot of pride as I watched by students and I was really pleased with their progress. In fact I can say I was really happy as I watched them and I think Herb was reflecting that joy. He was dancing because I was happy. He reflects what I feel. That night I had to leave you to fight the raiders; he was actually tugging at me – trying to go back to you. He was reflecting by wish to stay with you. So Herb seems to be manifesting my emotions.” Xena now finished sat back and awaited Gabrielle’s reaction.
Gabrielle wasn’t sure what to make of this development. The fact that Xena had a dancing penis was disturbing enough, but the fact that Xena seemed to regard that appendage as having a will of its own scared her. What if Xena couldn’t control it (Gabrielle refused to refer to it as a him)? What if he … no it...acted up when people could see it? Perhaps it would just be best to leave the village until she was pregnant and Herb was gone.
“Xena if you can’t control yourself perhaps it would be best if we took a short vacation until you’re yourself again.” Gabrielle ventured.
Xena sat up straight. Gabrielle was implying she was out of control. She was never out of control. Her control was legendary. Where did Gabrielle get off questioning her self-control? Sure there was the incident where she tried to throw Gabrielle off the cliff and the time she tried to massacre that village when she thought the people had killed her father, but those were simple aberrations. She was the master of her domain.
“Gabrielle, I am in complete control here. Yes Herb did a little dance but I have complete control over him.”
Gabrielle was really beginning to hate the fact Xena kept
referring to her penis in the third person.
She had a sneaking hunch Xena hadn’t faced up to their predicament. Xena had an out of control appendage.
”Xena do me a favor. Take off your towel and let me take a look at Herb.”
Xena raised an eyebrow. “I thought you weren’t interested in fooling around,” Xena said with an anticipatory smirk.
“I’m not,” Gabrielle said flatly. “I want to do my own experiment now.”
Xena unveiled herself. Gabrielle studied her with such intensity that Xena actually began to blush – a rare occurrence for Xena.
“OK Xena. Make it dance.”
“You say you have complete control over it. So make it dance or make it twitch or sing a song, I don’t care. Just control it.”
Xena looked a bit startled at the demand but she was never one to back down from challenge. She studied Herb and willed him to move. Nothing. Ah well she just had to think of those sparring Amazons. She pictured them sweating and fighting. Nothing. Well she then imagined Gabrielle sweating and naked. Still nothing. This was not good. It was her appendage and she would control it. . Gabrielle always said she took orgasmic joy in fighting. So she pictured a hundred crazed fighters coming after her and fighting them off in an orgy of blood and guts. Nada, nothing, no movement on the front line. This did not bode well. Perhaps Herb did have a mind of his own. Yikees, this was embarrassing.
Xena shrugged at Gabrielle. “I can’t seem to make him move. Perhaps if you sat on my lap and gave me wet sloppy kisses he would be inspired.” Xena asked hopefully.
Gabrielle gave Xena an exasperated smile. “I’m sure I would inspire him but we are not going there tonight. Xena you do realize what this means?”
“Yeah a goofy goddess gave me a goofy Herb. It won’t be here forever. We’ll cope. What is worrying you?”
“Xena, what if some one notices our dancing visitor. You never can tell with these Amazons. They’re a nosey bunch. Some one sees something out of the ordinary it will be all over the village before Herb can put away his dancing shoes.”
Xena would have answered Gabrielle’s concerns but the picture of Herb in dancing shoes suddenly struck her. It took some minutes for Xena to regain the power of speech.
“Gabrielle, I don’t think anyone will notice.”
Xena seriously considered this. Could someone notice his movement? They would have had to be really watching her. Her skirt did flare a bit but wouldn’t someone just think it was just the breeze? No one would think anything as absurd as the truth.
“Gabrielle someone would have to be watching me awfully closely to notice anything. Who would be paying that much attention to me?”
Gabrielle sighed. “Just every hormonal Amazon in Amazonia, you big oblivious warrior, Gabrielle thought. But she said, “You’re right who in the world would be looking at you that closely.”
Later that night in the hut of Mavis and Celia, the two friends prepared for bed and talked about the days events.
“Did you notice how odd Xena was acting today?” Celia asked her friend Mavis. The two friends had just settled in for the night. They shared a hut and were friends since girlhood. They discussed everything and one of the things they discussed most often was Xena. Both had crushes on the warrior, and even though they knew it was a hopeless or more precisely because of that, they reveled in their mutual admiration of the blue-eyed warrior.
“Do you mean the fact that Xena kept zoning out? Or are you referring to the fact that she kept running us into the ground.” Tonight Mavis was very sore and her love for Xena had waned considerably.
“Yeah that but…she was also doing other strange things.” Celia whispered to her friend, “Did you notice she kept looking at her crotch with…I don’t know …like she was watching it or something. Then you remember when she was helping me with the sword she kept looking at me like she was waiting for something to happen. Then suddenly she just looked relieved and nodded to herself. It was weird.”
“I don’t know maybe she was worried about down there. They say she was kicked hard the other night. Maybe it was still bothering her or something.” Suddenly Mavis giggled, “Maybe she was just horny. Did you see how she kissed Gabrielle? WOW! Every Amazon in camp was turned on.”
Celia now turned to her friend. “Yeah that was odd too. I mean she kissed the queen like she was going to take her right then and there, and then she just turned around and walked off. I mean I never saw her kiss her like that in public but then just suddenly to leave Gabrielle like that was… like insulting …or maybe like she just sort of forgot what she had done. I don’t know,” Celia finished lamely.
Mavis was quiet for a moment and the asked with a bit of embarrassment, “When Xena was helping you today did you notice something funny about her?”
“I just said I thought she was acting weird,” Celia answered a bit peeved. “Gods now Mavis is spacing out, too. Is it something in the water?”
“No, I mean not strange like she was acting strange - I mean strange, physically.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Well, when Xena was helping me today she was standing behind me and I accidentally backed into her?”
“Accidentally?” Smirked Celia. “So you thought you would do a bit of flirting with the Warrior Princess. Oooh, you hussy. I didn’t think you had it in you.” Celia was enjoying this. Mavis was usually such a prude. Rubbing up Xena was definitely a new side of her friend.
“It was an accident.” Mavis protested vehemently perhaps a bit too vehemently but she was turning a rather brilliant shade of red. “Anyway I felt something odd,” Mavis was not going to be distracted. “It felt like Xena had a … a thing on.”
“A thing?’ Celia was perplexed. “What kind of thing? What are you talking about?”
“You remember the night of the birthday party Gabrielle got that gift from Varia’s gang and Xena got really mad. Well, I think she was wearing it today.” Mavis finished in a rush. This was so embarrassing but she was also fascinated by the thought of it. She counted on Celia to tell her if that was possible. To Mavis, Celia was a true sophisticate.
Celia sat back and thought about this. She liked that Mavis thought of her as worldly. Many people did – it was amazing how a pair of over develop breasts made people think you were an expert on all things sexual. The fact was Celia didn’t have much first hand experience but she had read extensively about such things in the Amazon library. She didn’t like to disappoint her public.
“Ah yes. Well I doubt it. It would be very uncomfortable.” Celia opined with authority. “No, a dildo, it’s called a dildo with a harness you know, is usually not worn all day, just when it’s in use. I guess,” Celia thought with a mental shrug. “No, you know what? She probably had her period and you just felt her pad or maybe she had a bandage on from being kicked.”
Mavis seemed unconvinced. It was really strange. She wished she had more experience. She wasn’t inexperienced, of course. She had a girl friend and everything but she wasn’t considered old enough to go out into the world of men. Amazonia wanted their women to be mature enough to raise a child before they went to mate with men. Why was she thinking of men anyway? They were talking about Xena. Suddenly Mavis was hit by an absurd thought. But was it? Everyone said Xena was different. Almost godlike - maybe she was really different.
“Celia,” Mavis didn’t want to be thought a fool but she had to tell someone about her idea. “Maybe Xena is a man!” Mavis announced. “She’s been hiding her true gender behind a clever disguise. I’ve heard of men dressing like women. You’ve heard about Autolycus."
Celia stared at her friend. God you’d think anyone with such small breasts would be smarter. “Well there’s two things wrong with your theory. Xena’s got great breasts…”
“I said the disguise was clever,” Mavis pointed out patiently.
“…and she has had children – Solan and Eve, remember. She must have cleverly disguised herself with a womb.” Celia finished sarcastically.
Xena’s children did not discourage Mavis. She had another theory ready. “Maybe Xena is a hermadite.”
“Hermadite! What the heck is she talking …oh!” Celia suddenly thought. “Hermaphrodite!” She had read about them. People who were both man and woman. Well that is interesting. Could it be? She certainly had the strength of ten men and had a masculine way of acting sometimes. But she was all woman too, yum.
“But she has had children, Mavis. I don’t know if hermaphrodites,” she emphasized the proper word – no use being well read if you can’t sometimes rub it in, “can have children. Anyway if she was one of those people it would have gotten around.”
“Why would it? Solan’s father’s been dead for ages and Gabrielle wouldn’t tell. Xena’s never been with anyone else that I ever heard of. Every Amazon and guy within ten feet of her has thrown themselves at her but she never strays. Not natural if you ask me. Perhaps she is hiding something. Also think of Eve. Who’s her father? Not a hint of who the father was. It’s a big mystery, isn’t it? Just maybe Xena was the father of her own daughter. Just think of that!” Mavis finished triumphantly.
Celia did exactly as she was told. She thought about it. Then she pictured it. She bent her head and squinted her eyes as she tried to imagine the mechanics of the act. To fornicate with oneself, not as metaphor, but as an actuality, boggled Celia’s mind. More than that she was dumbstruck. Perhaps it was true. Could it be true? What did it mean? Was the man part of Xena an affront to the Amazons? Was the woman part of Xena a true Amazon? How would you reconcile the two? Celia got a headache.
Mavis suddenly bolted up right in bed. “Celia, maybe we should warn the council about Xena. Maybe this is some kind of strange male plot.”
Celia mimicked her friend and bolted up too. “No we should not warn anyone! If it was true, which would be really odd, then it isn’t any of our business. I don’t see what kind of plot there could be. Xena and Gabrielle have always been there for the Amazons and saved our nation lots of times. It’s kind of shitty to suddenly denounce them because of a silly idea. Exactly what do you think would happen if we were believed? Hey, Cyane, Xena is a man-woman make her drop her drawers to show you her pussy. Now what do you think Xena would do then – I see blood all over the compound and we’re looking for a new queen – again. Go to sleep and forget about the whole thing!”
Mavis however would not be mollified. “I’m going to investigate this. The truth is out there!”
“You’ll see Celia, I’m going to be proven right.” A confident Mavis proclaimed and happily turned over and fell sound asleep.
Celia groaned and never did sleep that night.
Continued - Part 2
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